Are you a good girl? Have you ever thought of this idea of being a good girl in any way other than positive? Well, I’m here to question the ‘good girl’ paradigm. Let’s talk about what it means to be the good girl. The good girl is the one that listens, am I right? She’s the one that does what she’s told, behaves perfectly and is ‘easy to be around.’ She makes everyone ‘else’ feel comfortable. She doesn’t talk back, or ask questions, and she certainly doesn’t voice her own opinion. Sounds very much like a good girl doesn’t she? But does she sound like a happy girl? Or, has she been living her life in the shadows? Has she been quiet, well behaved and hollow inside? Sadly, this is something that many of us don’t even think about. We so badly want to belong. We want to fit in. To be liked. We will do almost anything, include silencing our own voice, for the sake of being acceptable to others. Who are others? You know: the ones that make the rules, the ones that have the strong opinions, that want things done their way.
The Emotional Cost of People-Pleasing
The problem with being a good girl is that your behaviour seems to be giving you what you need emotionally. Because you’re behaving the way people want you to, you feel the love, support and acceptance that you’re craving. The problem is it comes at a cost. While you are ticking all the boxes for everybody else and being this perfect person that you want to be for them, you are not doing that for yourself. You’re losing a piece of your own identity. You’re exhausting yourself emotionally. And all of this effort compounded over time leaves you feeling emotionally drained, even exhausted. This is a hard pill to swallow. Breaking free of the good girl image is really, really difficult because it’s connected to our sense of worth. It comes from a place of needing to belong and it’s connected to feeling loved by the people in our lives. It can be quite confronting when you realize that you’ve been living this persona most of your life but with self-awareness comes the ability to change. If this rings true for you, some self-reflection may be in order.
Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:
When do I find it hardest to say no? And what am I afraid might happen if I say no?
- How often do I choose peace for others over peace for myself?
- What situations or relationships make me feel like I have to either perform or tone myself down to keep everyone happy?
- What version of being good was praised when I was growing up and how might that still influence me today?
This process of self-awareness, taking the time to really reflect on your life and how you’ve shown up for others versus how you’ve shown up for yourself and your own values and integrity, can be difficult so take it slow. Once you’ve come to an understanding about where you’re at with the good girl syndrome it’s time to ask yourself how you can move forward in your life honouring both the people in your life that you love and your own voice and authenticity. Without the people-pleasing!
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No Need to Burn all your Bridges
Breaking away from the good girl syndrome doesn’t mean burning down bridges. What it means is putting up gentle boundaries. What it means is reconnecting with what you need from life and your relationships. This is so much more about you than it is about ‘them’. This is about knowing its ok to express your own wants and needs. That speaking up, even gently, is ok too. You don’t have to be loud about it, you just have to stop being silent! Ask yourself when last did you speak up for yourself? When last did you even choose which restaurant you ate at or whether to go to a dinner party or simply stay home? Maybe you’re an adult living your life as the ‘good girl child’ and your spouse doesn’t even know you’re filing your own needs away in a folder marked ‘unimportant’. It’s entirely possible they would be really saddened to know you are keeping quiet because you want to be easy to be around. Maybe it’s ok to speak up for a change. Maybe you will feel a weight lifting off you when you realize you are no longer that child and you have every right to choose your own version of life!
Good Girl Guilt
Releasing the good girl can come with a lot of guilt, but I want to remind you there should never be guilt in honouring yourself and setting boundaries, as long as you do it in a respectful way. Remember, the more that you respect yourself the more you teach the people in your life to respect you. And making that first decision to say ‘actually, I think I’d rather stay home’ is bigger than you think. It lays the foundations for what the new, more confident you will look like. It gives your friends and family a heads up that ‘hey, I’m tired of being quiet and I actually have something to say’.
Yes, Your Opinion Matters
The resistance to setting her free comes from the attitude that what you want isn’t a ‘big deal’. You keep telling yourself it’s ok and it doesn’t really matter if they get to choose. Who cares if I want Italian and they want Chinese! Chinese is ok, don’t make a fuss. But, it’s not about the Chinese food. It’s about the ‘small’ choices over years and years that are stealing the joy and authenticity from your life. Every time you don’t get to be who you want to be, eat what you want to eat or go where you want to go, it makes a dent. It steals a bit of your sunshine. We are all unique. Inspired by different places, foods, activities. This is part of what makes being human so incredible. But, when we shut down our creative inspiration we close ourselves off from the fullness of this experience. And, for what? Is being the good girl worth it? Is keeping ourselves small and acceptable to others worth losing a piece of ourselves?
Find your Safe Testing Ground
Think about the people in your life that make you feel seen. The ones you can be yourself around. Use these 'safe' people to test that waters. Say no to an invitation that doesn't feel aligned (be polite!) and see how it feels. Were you scared to do it? How did you feel afterwards? Surprised? Impressed with yourself? Speaking up doesn't have to be earth shattering. In fact, when you've been living in the good girl syndrome your entire life it may feel impossible, so you will have to start with something really small. Something that seems insignificant. Because it will be easier to achieve. But, that one small brave move will show you that you can do it and that it's safe. Speaking your truth doesn't mean losing everyone you love. You have every right to be heard. So, start small and be gentle with yourself and the people that don't know this new version of you! Steph x Liked this blog? You might like this one too: 15 Ways to Set Yourself Free