As I sit here, I am grateful for the lessons, the growth, and the journey back to me. But, I didn’t always feel this way. In short, I forgot who I am. I forgot that there once was a girl called Stephanie. There once was a girl who just was, without expectation. Fun loving and free spirited. This is my journey back to her.
Not a personal affront
Before I talk about the process of losing and finding yourself, I want this to be a reminder that losing your own sense of identity isn’t a personal affront to the people in your life. It’s not John, Mary or Amy’s fault. It’s not about fault at all. This is a process of slow disappearance (usually over years) that we don’t even realize is happening. It’s not because of something that someone else did to us. It’s a taking on of the titles of life that slowly shift us further and further away from the title of ‘me – just me’. It’s a ‘fitting into society’s boxes’ that starts to suffocate our individuality. So, not only do we not want the people we love to feel like we are blaming them, we also don’t want to blame ourselves. We didn’t want to lose that special connection with ourselves, that connection that breathes life into us. At no point did I wake up and say ‘it’ll be so much more fun to deny myself for the sake of appearances!’.
Waking up Empty
You show up, right? Everyday you show up. And, then one day you wake up and realize something is missing. Not just anything, something big. Something important. It’s you. Your essence. Your authentic, honest, real self. You’ve tucked her away. Hidden her for the sake of showing up for everyone else. You haven't shown up for yourself. Urgh! How did I let this happen, you think. How did I lose sight of my own individuality to such a degree?! I hear you. It hits really hard when you have this realization. You thought you were doing the right thing, being there for everyone else. And you were! But, why does it so often come at the expense of our sense of self? Well, today is the day we realize that it doesn’t have to be that way. Today is the day we embrace our authentic selves and step forward into our lives, bring ourselves with us!
Finding balance
This new life requires balance. It looks like a life where we allow ourselves to be seen, heard and valued while also doing this for the people in our lives. Perspective: up until now have you been offering this space to everyone except yourself? Time to open your arms wide enough to include yourself in your own embrace! Giving to yourself doesn’t mean taking away from others. Have you ever seen love take anything away from anyone?! Love is brilliant at multiplying. The more you give the more there is. This applies to yourself as well. If you give love to yourself, you will have MORE love to give to the people in your life, not less!
There IS still room for it all
If you’re a mother, this will resonate. We are so laser focused on being there for our kids, picking them up, dusting them off and providing them with all the support and comfort they need. Great! But, here’s what I’ve found. All the support has shifted our focus away from that fun-loving free spirit and towards the teacher, nurse, warden for our kids. There is no fun anymore! And, here’s the thing. Your authentic self knows how to have fun! I personally lost my sense of fun in all the ‘be careful you don’t burn yourself’ and the ‘it’s okay, honey’. Now my kids are teenagers and it doesn’t get any easier. But, I don’t have to worry about them running out in front of cars anymore and I don’t have to worry about them taking something out of the oven by themselves. This is freedom, right?! Not quite, but it certainly has cracked the door open enough for me to lighten up. For me to reflect on the effects of not making an effort for myself.
Where to Start
What if you took the time to remember what you did for fun when you were younger? What’s the worst that could happen if you let your hair down a little? Is it possible there could be space for you to be you AND be a good wife, mother, daughter, employee? Stop holding on so tight (talking to myself here). Lighten the mood. Look for the light. Search for the sparkles, the glitter, the joy. Ask yourself everyday 'are you having any fun?'. Before you tell me you're too busy (being everything for everyone!), let me ask you. What is your own joy worth? 5min? 10min? 3hrs? You decide, is your joy worth the effort? Is it worth the time? Is it worth the discomfort of asking for help? Too many questions, I know. I should have called this blog 'A Million Questions'. But, you know what. The answers lie behind the questions, so don't stop asking them!
Dance in the rain!
I have a photo of myself with my kids when they were just 1 and 4yrs old. We are drenched, smiling from ear to ear. Dancing in the rain. A precious, pure moment I will hold onto for life. As I sit here I realize that photo should be printed out and put up where it can remind me EVERYDAY of the value of fun! Authentic fun! There is too little of it and it literally brings the joy, so let’s make it happen. Do you have a moment like this? Something that reminds you of pure joy? Something you can print out and stick up so you never forget? Think about this today and find that image that will serve as your reminder. Otherwise, you can find a quote and print that out. Here's a good one: 'The authentic self is the soul made visible' - Sarah Ban Breathnach. Find your reminder, something that speaks to your soul. Inspire authentic joy in your life! Here’s to a life of authentic fun! I’m off to print my photograph! Steph x If you enjoyed this blog, head over and check out this one: What Does it Mean to be Authentic? JOIN OUR COMMUNITY! 